Doubts
by Sairs J
Summary: Feeling alone in the world, Andy has doubts about her life and her future.


_I woke up with this idea and had to commit it to paper, I will be returning to a Christmas Promise! :) It's a one-shot. Hope you enjoy._

_Sairs_

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_Disclaimer: I do not own Rookie Blue or the characters; I've just borrowed them for a while._

_Doubts_

_This is set in season two. Sam and Andy had their three weeks together before he went undercover. Things with Brennan didn't turn out like they did onscreen. _

_Thanks as always to dcj for casting her eye over this and the suggestion for the finished title! _

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She watched as the water softly glided over the pebbles, caressing them with its gentle touch, causing them to glisten and shine in the afternoon sun. In that moment she tried desperately to forget why she was sitting on the edge of the water, shivering; not only with the cold, but with the fear that gripped her whole body. The fear she was going to lose him and that she was going to be alone. She didn't think she had the strength to do this without him.

As she listened to the sound of the water gently lapping against the shore, she let her mind wander, to float away from the pain that enveloped her heart. To float away from the pain that had made every moment of every day for the past month a living nightmare. Her own personal horror story, that she desperately hoped would end, but it didn't seem like she was going to get the miracle happy ending that always happened in the movies. If she was being realistic she would have realised that she was never going to get her happy ending. She had never deserved one.

She had been the child that had driven her mother away and had driven her father to seek solace in the bottom of a bottle. She'd tried to make amends, by looking after her Dad, supporting him, but he'd still steadily drunk himself into oblivion. He continually pushed her away as he drowned his sorrows. Until recently when he had begun to take steps in the right direction, he was finally turning his life around, controlling his addiction, instead of letting it control him.

She had been determined to make things right with the Universe, try to atone for her childhood. She'd wanted to be a police officer for as long as she could remember. She wanted to be just like her father. When she was small she remembered how proud her father had been to wear his uniform and how proud she had been of her Daddy, helping other people. She wanted to do that, to help other people on what was probably the worst day of their lives. Graduating from the Academy had been one of her proudest moments, especially when she was handed her father's badge, a symbol that she was carrying on her family legacy.

The excitement and anticipation of her first day at the Barn had been short lived, replaced with embarrassment. The start to her career had become something she wished to forget, sweep under the carpet, but it had gone down in legend at the Barn. She had managed to destroy eight months of undercover work in one day. At least she had managed to finally get the right result… with a little help from the man whose work she'd decimated with her eagerness. She'd tried to apologise but she understood when he was less than gracious at accepting her attempts. It had been understandable; she would have felt the exact same way, if someone had blown months of work in an instant.

But the Universe was insistent on punishing her. It wasn't satisfied with ruining her childhood, it was determined to make her life at work just as difficult. After the disaster of her first day, she thought her second day could only get better, but it started with being partnered with the one man on the planet that at that time had the right to be royally pissed at her. But it was that day that was the start of something that for months she denied; ignored and attempted to push out of her mind.

That was the day Sam Swarek began to creep under her skin, slowly chipping his way through the protective walls she'd constructed as a child to protect herself. Until he possessed her heart and now she wouldn't have it any other way.

She rubbed her hand instinctively across her stomach as she felt the gentle flutter of their child; the child he didn't know she was carrying. The child who at this moment looked like it would never get to know the gentle touch of its father, his love or see his smile, the one that always lifted her heart. She sighed and rubbed angrily at the solitary tear that had escaped from her eye, rolling slowly down her cheek.

She thought of the night when she'd decided to finally tell him that she was ready. She was ready to throw out her plans and take the good candy. The smile on his face when she'd explained to him her logic, well more like rambled it, she'd shifted nervously from foot to foot; terrified to meet his gaze, so she'd studied the wall behind him. When she'd finished the room had been filled with a heavy silence, she had been just about to flee when finally he'd closed the distance between them. He'd reached out slowly stilling her hands, stopping her in her tracks.

Slowly one of his hands had travelled up her arm, his touch sending a warm tingling sensation throughout her body. It stilled, his fingers cupping her chin, tilting it slightly so that he could look into her eyes. She couldn't avoid his eyes, the mixture of hope and something more captured in them. That look gave her hope, hope that maybe she hadn't just made the biggest mistake of her life.

"Good candy, huh?" he'd asked her, his voice quieter and lower than she'd ever heard before, a cocky smile on his face, his eyebrow raised.

"Well…" she'd mumbled; all conscious thought virtually escaped her as she lost herself in his intense gaze. She felt her cheek redden as his thumb began to caress her skin, drawing small concentric circles. She nodded, her voice suddenly silent as her mind desperately tried to process all of the sensations and emotions that were currently whirring through her body.

He slowly leaned his head towards her, his eyes never leaving hers, silently asking her if it was okay to kiss her.

She watched helplessly as he closed the distance between them, anticipation coursing through her at the distant memory of the last time she'd kissed him. Finally when he gently brushed his lips across hers, she felt herself relax, losing herself into a cacophony of emotions and sensations that made her feel she was suddenly complete. She'd finally found her place in the Universe, she was destined to be with Sam.

The sound of a gull screeching and calling to its mate brought her out of her reverie. She watched as it glided through the air, diving and swirling in a dance that on any other day would have been a joy to watch.

She shifted into another position as she watched the gull dive into the water, retrieving a fish before flying off into the distance.

Those three weeks had been the most wonderful three weeks of her life, she'd had time to begin to know Sam in a way she'd never thought she'd have the opportunity to. It had been the start of their future, they'd made the most of every single moment they had together before he had to go under.

He had tenderly cared for her when she'd gotten sick, a mild case of the flu, but he'd made sure she had everything she needed to make a speedy recovery. It was the first time someone had truly ever cared for her since before her Mom had left. It was then that she realised that she would do anything for Sam and he'd do absolutely anything for her.

The night he'd gone under, she stayed in his apartment and curled up in his bed, wearing one of his tee shirts, his scent finally helping her to succumb to slumber, dreaming about the best three weeks of her life.

Work wasn't the same without him; it took her weeks to stop waiting for him to walk into parade. She slowly got used to him not being there but it didn't stop her missing him. She felt incomplete without him.

Then she'd gotten sick. At first she'd blamed it on a bug. Then it had been the stress of the job. She'd had to work a couple of harrowing cases and they'd unsettled her, caused her nightmares. Nightmares where she wished she could wake up in the safety of Sam's arms, because he always made things better. But he wasn't there. She didn't know where he was all she could do was pray that he was okay.

He'd been under for nearly three months when she finally allowed herself to put the pieces together. They'd been careful. Their relationship had been new, too new to plan anything more than the three weeks they had before he went under. But the Universe had a plan for her, for them. She had looked at the seventh pink stick and finally realised that she Andy McNally was going to be a mother. She'd slowly sunk to the floor, pulling her knees to her chest, the white stick clutched in her hand. Her body wracked with sobs.

The one person she needed to talk to couldn't be contacted. She didn't know if Sam wanted this, but she couldn't bring herself to do anything other than love the child, their child that was growing inside of her.

She hoped that he'd be home soon, so that she could tell him that he was going to be a father. She sat there silently praying that he would be happy.

A few weeks later she couldn't hide the fact that she was pregnant. The conversation with Frank had been a little embarrassing to say the least. But she was determined to put her child first and being on patrol was becoming increasingly dangerous. So she made the decision to be asked to be put on a desk. To Frank's credit he never once asked who the father was, but from a conversation she'd had with Noelle a few days later, she was sure they had worked it out.

It was nearly five months since he'd gone undercover when the worst moment of her life happened. She had been working the front desk, when Boyd had strutted into the Barn and stormed into Frank's office. She'd watched as Boyd had paced back and forth in front of Frank, obviously agitated about something. The look on Frank's face was etched in her memory; it was full of concern and something else.

A few moments later Frank hurried out of his office, summoning Jerry and Oliver to follow him.

In that moment Andy knew. Sam was in trouble.

The next twenty four hours had been tortuous as every available officer tried to find out where Brennan would have taken him.

Inadvertently Andy had seen an open case file, images of Brennan's tortured victims leaped out from the pages. Their images seared into her mind. She'd hurried to the locker rooms, the remnants of her lunch leaving her stomach as she worried about what Brennan was doing to him.

It was late the next day when finally they found the location of Brennan's wife's farm. She'd tried to beg Frank to let her go with the team. But he'd resolutely told her that he was not putting her in danger; especially since she was pregnant; because he had no intentions of telling Sam that he'd willingly put his partner and child in danger. She'd tried to reason with him. Tell him that she needed to be there, to be with Sam. But Frank had stood his ground. Telling her that she was to stay in the Barn and he would let her know as soon as he heard anything.

Reluctantly she'd agreed. She'd sat at Sam's desk, waiting and praying. At some point she'd fallen asleep, the exhaustion of the wait finally catching up on her. She didn't know how long she'd been asleep when Frank gently woke her up, his face full of worry and concern.

"Sam?" she asked, her voice quivering with emotion.

"He's on the way to the hospital, Andy," Frank rested his hand on her shoulder, squeezing gently.

"Hospital?"

Frank nodded, "He's in a bad way."

In that instant Andy's world had collapsed around her. She couldn't remember how she got to the hospital, or how she managed to find herself beside Sam. But that had been nearly a month ago. Since Frank had told her, she had spent every minute by his side, talking to him, holding his hand.

She'd watched as the horrendous bruises that had covered his face and body had begun to fade. Had watched when his nurse removed the cast that had supported his broken wrist. But still he hadn't woken. The longer he remained unconscious the less optimistic his doctors were that he was going to wake up.

But today it had finally gotten too much for her. She finally needed to find some space. So she'd walked out of the hospital, taking Sam's truck keys with her and had driven until she'd ended up here. The beach. The place her father had always escaped to and now she was using it to escape her reality. One that the Universe had foisted upon her, one that she would never have planned for herself. She wanted the happy ending. The one where her child would know its father, where she would have the opportunity to love and be loved. But no Andy McNally was never going to have that.

The sound of a car stopping behind her, caused her to turn, she shook her head as she recognised her father's car. A few moments later he climbed out and walked steadily towards her. "Sweetheart, what are you doing out here?" He asked as he lowered himself beside her.

She waited a moment before replying, "I needed to think."

She felt her father's arm on her shoulder, pulling her gently into his side. "I know, Sweetheart. But he will wake up."

"Will he?" she spat angrily, turning herself so that she could look into her father's eyes. "I'm not sure he wants to."

"Andy, Sweetheart. If Sam could wake up he would. I knew he cared about you, long before you finally admitted it. He proved it the time he helped to save my neck. He didn't do it for me, Sweetheart, he did it for you. He would do anything for you."

"So why won't he wake up?" she asked her voice broken with emotion as tears flowed freely from her eyes.

"I don't know, Sweetheart," he pulled her into his embrace and placed a gentle kiss on the top of her head.

"I don't think I can do this without him," she replied.

"You're not alone, Sweetheart, you have friends, you have me."

She nodded into his chest, "But I want Sam."

"I know," he rubbed his hand on her back the way he used to when she was a child.

The sound of his cell phone ringing in his pocket shattered the peacefulness. He released his grip on her shoulders and reached into his pocket, quickly he read the screen, "It's Oliver."

She looked at him, wondering why Oliver would be calling her Dad.

"He knew I was looking for you and he offered to stay with Sam. He knew you wouldn't want him to be alone."

Andy nodded.

"Oliver," her father spoke solemnly into his phone.

She watched her father's face as he listened intently to what Oliver was saying. She felt her stomach churn and her heart constrict as her father said, "We'll be there as soon as we can."

Her father finished his call and looked at her.

"Oh, God! He's dead, isn't he?" she choked out, her hand instantly covering her mouth, trying to hold back the sobs that were threatening to wrack her body. "I should have been there! I abandoned him!"

"Shh, Andy," her father replied trying to comfort her, "He's not dead, I promise."

It took a few moments for her father's words to penetrate her brain, "He's not?"

He smiled at her, "No, Sweetheart, he's not. Oliver says we need to get to the hospital."

"Why?"

"It looks like Sam might be waking up."

Andy looked at her father with disbelief, "Waking up?"

He nodded, "Yes, Sweetheart. Sam's waking up."

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Andy hovered in the doorway of his hospital room; he still looked so peaceful, as if he was asleep. Maybe the doctors still had it wrong. Surely if he was awake he would be sitting up in bed smiling at her. But he wasn't.

"Are you going to spend all day in the doorway, McNally?" a familiar voice cut through the silence.

She stepped forward automatically, hurrying to his bedside, the sound of his voice pulling her towards him, "Sam?" she uttered her voice filled with uncertainty.

"Who else are you expecting?" he replied, his eyes slowly opening.

"Sam!" she gently brushed her fingertips against his cheek, his stubble pricking them as she moved.

He smiled, "Yep, it's me."

Her fingers continued their gentle dance on his cheek as her eyes studied him, "You're back."

He nodded in response, "How long?"

"It's been six months since you went under," she replied quietly, leaning forward so that she could look directly in his eyes. "You've been in this hospital bed for a month."

Slowly he lifted his arm, his fingers cupping her chin, "You waited all that time?" he asked a small smile crossing his lips.

"I didn't have anywhere else I wanted to be," she replied quietly. "I'm sorry," she added.

"What for?" he asked confusion evident in his voice.

"For not being here when you woke up," she shifted her gaze so that she could study the top of his head, "I needed to think."

He tilted her head slightly with his fingertips, pulling her gaze back to his, "You're here now and that's all that matters."

"I didn't think you were ever going to wake up," she admitted as she leaned into his touch. "Everyone was giving up hope…"

"Were you?"

"I didn't want to. I knew I couldn't do this without you. I didn't want to give up on you. But nothing in my life has ever worked out; my mother ran away, my father nearly drank himself into an early grave…" She looked at him, tears rolling down her cheeks. "And when I finally found the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, he goes undercover and nearly dies. Those three weeks…"

"Were the best of my life," he supplied for her.

She nodded, "Definitely." She pulled her hand away from his cheek and covered the hand that still caressed her cheek and slowly guided it to her stomach. She watched his face intently and recognised the look of confusion that crossed it as he felt the swell of her stomach and the fluttering of their child.

"Andy?" he asked confusion evident in his voice.

She held his hand against her stomach, her eyes meeting his, "We're going to have a baby, Sam." She held her breath, waiting for his answer, not sure how he was going to feel.

"A baby?" he asked, his eyes moving to where his hand was resting, his palm feeling the fluttering and pushing of the baby that was protected inside Andy.

She nodded, "Our baby. It wasn't planned and I'll understand if this isn't what you want. But I don't regret anything, Sam. The one thing that's held me together through all this is our baby. I want to be a good mother and I'm going to try my best."

Sam looked at her, awe struck. In a matter of a few moments, he'd gone from waking up to finding out he was going to be a father. "We're never going to do anything normally, are we?" he asked a smile gracing his lips.

She returned his smile, "Guess not."

He rubbed his hand in circles on her stomach, relishing the feel of their baby, "Hi, baby, I'm your Daddy."

And smiled, tears flowing from her eyes, maybe everything was going to be okay. Maybe they did have a chance at a happy ending.

Sam glanced up and noticed her tears, "Andy?"

She smiled, "I'm fine, now that you're awake. We're going to be okay, aren't we?"

He returned her smile and nodded, "Yes, Andy. You, me and our baby. I wouldn't have it any other way."

She leaned forward and placed a chaste kiss on his lips. She pulled back and rested her forehead against his, "No regrets?" she asked quietly.

He reached up and ran his fingers through her hair, "Only that I wasn't there when you found out, to hold your hair when you were sick. But I will be there when our baby's born," he promised.

"I'll hold you to that, because I don't plan on giving birth alone."

"I wouldn't miss it for the world" he replied, brushing her nose with his.

"I love you," she whispered.

"I love you too, McNally," he replied, before sealing his promise with a kiss.

Andy smiled as she relaxed into his embrace, he was home and suddenly the world felt right again. The Universe might have a plan for them and it might not be an easy one, but together she thought they could overcome anything. As long as they had each other and their baby.

The future suddenly felt a lot brighter than it had when she'd awoken that morning. Suddenly she didn't have any doubts anymore; she was filled with hopes and dreams of a promising future with her family.

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End file.
